Saturday Jan 18th, 1991

[Milpitas Kingdom Hall Quick Build project]

Dwight Chitwood checks site grading Greg Castro passes stucco stone up the scaffold Milpitas Quick Build Daily Text 7:30 Saturday Milpitas Quick Build Food Service Saturday Milpitas Quick Build

Everything halted for the Daily Text. The Food service sisters listened attentively. Lane Jenkins cooked up a steady stream of good food on equipment he brought himself

Food Service sisters Saturday Milpitas Quick Build Lane Jenkins cooking Saturday Milpitas Quick Build


The Spiral Shell

A circular shell
cast in spirals
lain on sands

Bending to
touch with
and within my fingers
lain in my hand

I thought I
heard your voice

I am totally defeated. Left home Sat. Katharine said Th[ur]s[day] nite (after I asked why she was being hostile) that she told me she didn't love me when I moved back in and 'nothing had changed'. I repaid her 65.00 for groceries then left. Such a gnawing pain and sense of loss inside. I wonder how she came to be filled with such rage and hate. And now when we see the world in such critical turmoil and now of all times the need to " encourage one another all the more so as we behold the end draw near". Yet Katharine has absolutely spurned with contempt all my efforts to reconcile our family + seems absolutely determined to destroy it ... it has become near impossible to maintain fine conduct; the prerssure having become so great. I have exhausted all means to be a lover, a husband, a family head. Katharine has rejected all the counsel from the bros. It becomes easier to simply stay away to avoid the inevitable confrontations. She refuses to be submissive and actively shows her contempt for me in my position as family head, making it plainly known she will act when SHE chooses.

It is a beautiful day in Santa Cruz but I feel no happiness at all...for everything seems so futile. Walked at low tide from 41st to Capitola beach. Wrote this [entry] on the woden steps that lead up to the road (near base of wharf)(N.side)

March 9th, 1991

According to Katharine this morning all men are hairy grody beasts - nothing she hasn't said before - she said it without a smile or a hint of humor - the other day she wouldn't make love because she'd 'smell like a man'. Such a loving sensuous caring person

March 9th, 1991

[Sergio Aragones was guest artist at the San Francisco Cartoon Museum. I drew him signing autographs, then he signed my drawing of him and drew his little character perched on his shoulder in my drawing. After the public museum session, the members and associates of the National Cartoonists Society went to dinner a few blocks away. During the dinner I drew Morrie Turner (Wee Pals), Mel Lazarus (President of the NCS, creator of "Miss Peach" and "Momma"), Gus Arriola (creator of "Gordo"), David Wiley Miller (at the time editorial cartoonist for the SF Chronicle and currently creator of "Non Sequiter") Gahan Wilson with Mark Cohen at Circle Gallery, Maiden Lane San Francisco Momma and Miss Peach cartoonist Mel Lazarus at National Cartoonist Society dinner in San Francisco Gordo cartoonist Gus Arriola at National Cartoonist Society dinner in San Francisco Non Sequiter cartoonist David Wiley Miller at National Cartoonist Society dinner in San Francisco Wee Pals cartoonist Morrie Turner at National Cartoonist Society dinner in San Francisco

Between June 4 and 24th, 1991

[Took kids to small museum below the north end of the Golden Gate bridge. Two musicians were playing and I drew them although I didn't know who they were except for their names, Big Bones and Paul Pena. I learned Sunday March 8th 2009 that Paul Pena was a very well known musician also known for his mastery of Tuvan harmonic music. Big Bones harp player and Paul Pena Guitarist singer His web site noted the following about Paul Pena:

"In 1969, Paul played in the Newport Folk Festival in the Contemporary Composer's Workshop with such people as James Taylor, Joni Mitchell and Kris Kristofferson.' In 1971, Paul moved to San Francisco and recorded his first marketed record for Capital Records, which was released in 1973.

In his musical career Paul played with many of the blues greats, John Lee Hooker, B.B. King, Muddy Waters, Mississippi Fred McDowell, 'Big Bones,' and T. Bone Walker. His song, 'Jet Airliner,' recorded by the Steve Miller Band, was a hit in the 1970s."]

Big Bones web site (now taken down) said the following about his partnership with Paul Pena:

"Playing the Blues with Paul Pena...
The Partnership with Paul Pena I met Paul Pena at KPOO Radio in San Francisco in 1989. He invited me to a gig he was doing at the Full Moon Saloon on Haight Street in San Francisco. When I arrived at the club, there wasn't any way to let Paul know I was there, unless I yelled over the music. So I chilled in my seat, patting my foot to the music, when Paul announces that I was in the audience and was I coming up to play. This caught me by surprise, because Paul is blind. This began our partnership together. Over time, I saw more of Paul's magical powers.

Between 1989 and 1995 Paul and I played every coffee shop, radio program, night club, festival, opening act, museum, art gallery, wedding and street fair, just to get our music out there. We became extensions of each other; I had the eyes and Paul was the ears." Paul Pena died in 1995

Aug 13 Weds 1991

We moved Mon. and Tues. Katharine accused me of 'sitting on my butt' all day Monday. How sick. At 12pm [midnight] she swore she had to find her perfumes. So I diligently searched the whole house for an hour [after an entire day moving] -finally in bed 2am (I found the perfumes and jewelery) and then she has the guts to accuse me of 'sitting on my butt'. She is in desperate need of psychiatric help - she has serious mental + emotional problems. I asked if she would make love with me on our 1st night in our new home, but first she said she would "if I haven't slept with anyone else". How dare she make that kind of accusation! I blew up and left last night after she said I'd been 'sitting on my butt'. I truely am tired of her stupid, unfounded, paranoid, suspicious accusations. There is no Christian love or mercy at all in K.

Aug 14th Weds 1991

On the 13th K. said she would "take the children + I would never see them again", sleeping with me was "the most horrible thing" she'd ever done, she "hated it", I was "the worst lover" she'd ever had, I was "filthy, nasty, dirty", she'd "never interrupted my prayers [with the family] (I told her the day and the hour), I'd made her do "all sorts of nasty and ugly things in bed", I "constantly lied", she had "never kicked me out", it was "a mutual decision", I'd "never done anything nice for her", I'd "never said anything nice about her", I'd "never shown her any appreciation" (that's NOT what she said when I used to bring her little gifts. [I kept all her thank you notes]), I "was a lousy father", I could "never be a real father".

Pointedly said that my showing of love and affection "was worthless"

October 23rd, 1991

K accuses me of child molestation then swears she didn't. She woke up screaming at kids, I stayed in bathroom trying to stay out of the way but she dragged me into a fight anyway

October 24th, 1991

Slept downstairs - K. ripped into me as soon as I came in door - huge fight - she said she "hates me", "will never love [me]", is "going to take children", is "going to leave" - the end for me. It's over. [but she stayed until end of October of 1992. Life was a living nightmare for that next year. For most of that year I slept in the basement with furniture wedged against the door for protection, in fear she would try to kill me while I slept]

November 8th, 1991

Temple Garden (written at J.D.s in Castro Valley)

in a time past
you ran through my open hands
like sand

My hands remain
cupped and uplifted
as if questioning
the emptiness

They are not used to that
they were meant to hold
and caress

they are so light
so barren
even of residue of dust
not even the image remains
like the molds
cast in wet sand
there is a scattered layer of grains
that gives no hint
of what went before

I shall rake this fine gravel
each morning
a priest of my own temple
that somewhere
I may discover in the speechless patterns
the meaning of where you have gone.

December 4th, 1991

[Gahan Wilson, cartoonist for New Yorker, Playboy etc., with Mark Cohen at Circle Gallery Maiden Lane San Francisco] Gahan Wilson with Mark Cohen at Circle Gallery, Maiden Lane San Francisco

December 7th, 1991

[Went to the Hayward Sun Gallery to attend gala opening of the annual Artists/Illustrator Show. Drew Thatcher Hurd, Allen Say, Daniel San Souci, Robert San Souci, Elisa Klevens and Terry Small]