Feb 17th, 1995

K called ths. asking if it was 'still OK' to P.U. [pick up] girls at 12. I said it was but objected to her having told caroline that I was 'forbidden to be on school grounds' for pancake breakfast - that I could 'be arrested'. She became extremely agitated - stated she 'hadn't said that', cursed me in the most vituperative terms and then slammed the phone down. (I asked Carrie if her mother had in fact told her I was forbidden and she said ((on Saturday when I picked her up)) that her mother had in fact said so. Sarah expressed her dislike for [her] mother's conduct saying that her mother was 'from Satan'. Does K really understand how much anger Sarah has?? Sarah saw a couple walking hand in hand, giving each other a kiss and said 'I wish you and mommy were like that'...


Sat. Caroline said Carol's [my ex sister in law] 2 sons were living with their girl friends


[At] Edible Complex [College Ave., Berkeley]. Tabouli + decaf after driving from Will's little paradise [Knight's Valley above Calistoga] - [we had] looked for arrow heads in the rain, squishing in the cow pies and mud, rain falling steadily and getting wetter and wetter... each time I mentioned getting wetter Will said he was in no hurry and neither were the cows or the geese. I eat a tomato off the tabouli and think "Rita eats tabouli." Maybe that's why I've gotten it.

Will said I was talented... in many areas and that was a large part of my problems... that I didn't focus enough (that was while my thoroughly soaked clothing dried in the dryer)

The first thing I had done that morning was to look out the windows at the unbelieveably beautiful Knight's Valley - trying perhaps to absorb some of it's peacefulness - shortly thereafter Will + I had a rather long discussion about what constituted truth... a little like fencing with rubber tipped rapiers... neither wanted to inflict a wound.


My little darlings (though sometimes you drive me positively crazy) how I miss you: now, always... A great aching hole in my life that is so utterly unfillable.

And for... what? A senseless futility where everyone loses and no one wins.

I long to see you asleep at night - not wrenched away - so far away, and I asleep alone on a sofa not my own. So very cruel and hard it all is. I will watch T.V. until 5a.m. again for there is no one to go to sleep for as your sleeping faces that I cannot see haunts my midnight awakened hours.

June 1995?

Father and daughter. She is looking back over his shoulder as he holds her A father and his daughter at a meeting somewhere around June 1995

7-7 [95]

Sarah tells me that on Aug 12 she is going to Pennsylvania [a total surprise to me]


Red Lion Inn Rohnert Park lunch honoring Dale Messick [Creator of comic character Brenda Starr Cub Reporter] for her U.S. Postal Stamp. Attending: Malcom Whyte, Morrie Turner, Charles Schulz and wife [jeannie], Jim Hummel + wife, Glen Bernhardt + wife, Dale Messick, her daughter Starr and grandkids


Talked to [my friend] Joe Bahris this morning - prior to going to coffee - it seems that Bro. Chung was struck and killed in front of his home - what a tragedy - I saw him Sunday at the Assembly Hall in the Foyer - we passed and spoke only a 'hello'.

In a week I have lost Bro. Chung, Beth Pitts in a surfing accident + received a final letter from R.B. It is all so very difficult - I feel my mental attitudes changing regarding how a man should live his life re[garding] dedication + personal desire + the implications of pursuing self interest.

Funeral tonight for Beth and paddle out tommorrow at 1:30 (Cowells [Beach] to Steamers). She was to leave for Kauai on Tues, but died Mon. A beautiful life cut short before it's flowering. I feel for Bill and Donna Pitts. It cuts personally having known Bill and Donna since 1971 - 72, before the girls were born, when Willow was just a baby in arms


Ever since hearing of the death of Beth Pitts, I have been so hurt in my heart - now sitting in the Los Gatos Coffee Roasting Co shop - so pained in the deepest part of me for Bill + Donna that it is almost unbearable - Baby at Los Gatos Roasting Company staring at me there is of course nothing to be done but to 'be there' for them as a friend in the long haul. Drew 2 cartoons from concept to finished in an hour or less - it doesn't help...

Written 12-31-95 Sunday

Saturday at War Memorial Opera House with [my] girls to see The Nutcracker - missed first 15 minutes due to giving [nephew] Nathan a ride to his truck (he'd cut his hand and couldn't drive home - been given a ride home by a co-worker). Bought set of clothes for Caroline (an adventure) found parking (an adventure) got standing room tickets (hard on the feet) girls insisted on climbing a million stairs to very top of Opera House - found a door to an outside balconywhere Carrie yelled hello at people in the street below - girls fought as usual - Carrie fell a couple of times - Sarah chasing her - and banged herself on the granite - came home fixed a simple hamburger and baked potato dinner + popcorn - Sarah gave a sunstantial protion to Otis (my sister's Rottweiller) much to the dismay of Carrie who found none on going back for her second bowl - Otis was happy though!

Leaving house for truck Sarah started to run and fell head first into the mud in Margaret's lawn - I got mad of course Sarah after falling in the mud

12-31-95 Sunday

BART train stops at Bay Fair Mall station - K is working [there today] I guess - it is so very strange to know that she is in there and I pass unnoticed and unmourned The strange man